Tá brón orm

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21 August 2020


Notes from 12 August 2020

I haven't blogged or written for a few weeks for sad reasons. My partner's brother's partner died. It's not my story to tell so I've largely steered clear of my personal social media and tried to maintain the podcast and its accounts. Words for the situation oscillate between none and far too many, so, publicly at least, I have opted for none until jotting down these thoughts.

On top of difficulties in expression, the circumstances led us to travel unexpectedly to the 30+°C heat in the West Midlands. It's like moving through warm treacle. In many respects, I realise that humans are at an awkward stage of evolution where we're at once overdeveloped and not nearly developed enough. Adults feel compulsions to do things in response to their emotions that are only socially acceptable to enact when you're much younger, and only to a point. All of this language at our disposal and it's still inadequate. Yet we moralise and shame each other's actions to a point where we repress our compulsions to potentially harmful extents.


Notes from 17 August 2020

Nearly a week on from these prior thoughts, with some cooler weather has come some - but not enough - clarity. It was a tough weekend of mourning, celebrating and much taxing manual and brain work. I am tired, drained and in pain, but glad to have at least been in a position to muck in and relieve a small amount of pressure from folk facing tremendous grief.

Once again in my mind I find myself adrift. The person we recently lost, like my father, was only 40 years old, and boy did she live during those 40 years. At 35, I look at myself and ask: what am I doing with my life? The answers include:

  • not what I'd hoped or imagined for me at this age ten years ago
  • not as much as I'd like
  • not as well as I'd like
  • regardless of all my hard work and achievements, I'm left trying to scramble off the scrap heap
  • trying to do better
  • trying new things and improving at them, but second-guessing if they're worth it
  • fretting that I'll never make a living again
  • feeling guilty that I'm not financially independent
  • figuring out how to make and seize new opportunities
  • mithering over whether to try again to get a part-time job or apply for funding
  • wondering whether I should just go ahead and register a company even though I make a small fraction of my annual personal tax allowance
  • feeling ever crippled by defeatism from years of rejection even though I'd achieved over and above what was asked of me
  • trying to feel more positive because I'm so lucky, then worrying that I'm a burden
  • spending too much time asking why I can never feel content
  • reminding myself to try to stop worrying so much about the future and take things as they come in the present
  • struggling to feel that my work and research interests have any point or value
  • feeling unsure of the next best step.

Sun rays over the Malvern Hills
 

 

The family are grateful for donations to Blood Cancer UK: https://emmatolley.muchloved.com/

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