The Writing Hour, 28 June 2022

Prompt 1: Half-way through the year...

and things are finally moving. Just four weeks ago I got word that my application to Arts Council England's Develop Your Creative Practice grant scheme was successful. It has been a busy time getting the paperwork sorted to secure the money, then waiting anxiously to make sure I'd done it correctly, then seeing it could take up to six weeks when my schedule had already begun and it's been a tight few years, and the relief of a big wad of cash landing in my account. I'm typing this on my new computer that I was finally able to get. Let's see, it was 2019 when Violet (my HP Pavilion) had a total systems failure and was essentially rebuilt by not-da-in-law (well, he installed an SSD with Linux Mint and I immersed myself in the joys of open-source software). 

Things are also looking up on the growing front. In the May Writing Hour I mentioned that this year's peas process had yielded nothing. I was mistaken. Amongst the weeds that had sprouted in the front planter I found two pea plants and a carrot fighting their way up. Our neighbour also raided B&Q who were giving away degrading potted plants, and she gave us two runner beans, a tomato plant and a geranium, all now thriving. I cleared the planter and gave things space and new homes, and they're doing well.

I'm half-way through the Biography Writing course I've been taking as part of my writing development and it has been thoroughly enjoyable and informative so far. I'm sharing some draft work this week, so I'm a bit nervous. I was going to share something more recent, but a classmate was quizzing me about specific details to do with the project (which I didn't flesh out because it was a 10-sentence exercise to do with breaking up paragraphing), so in answer to her queries I've tidied up part 3 of my Unbelievable blog series on Venice. It's definitely in a transitional period for my writing style, so we'll see what the others make of it.

I must say, it feels good to finally get paid for things and be able to buy stuff I've been going without. I'm anxious about it, but I've booked travel home for late July/early August. We'll see; Covid cases are rising again and vaccine efficiency has waned substantially. 

I'm also being braver about making GP appointments. I'm exhausted with all the chronic things that aren't quite right. I've put tremendous effort into addressing my mental health concerns and made many improvements, but some issues just aren't clearing up and feel physiological rather than mental. I only hope I can convince the doctor to help me investigate properly. I'm still worried about not being believed because that's all I had when I was younger. But I'm 37 and I've suffered enough, dammit!

I'm really in reading/absorbing mode at the moment. I've been doing bits of writing, including my homework for class, but nothing substantial otherwise. I suppose a bit for the podcast, but nothing towards the book yet. I'm quite comfortably in my research and training phase. I haven't felt like this since the first year of my PhD, having time - and getting paid - to read, research and think. I can feel it brewing. Things are slotting into place. Notebooks are filling up. Records are getting organised. And I have a great opportunity to access peer support and feedback from class. It will go in too quickly, won't it? But I will be in the moment and not race off to the future. This is a time of becoming.

I'm concerned this is boring for any readers; it's really a stream-of-consciousness of my current thoughts. Autotheory - I've been reading a lot about autotheory and have been meaning to write something up about it. It's rattling around my brain, but I haven't sat myself down and just allowed thoughts to flow.

Prompt 2: My deepest hunger...

I am feeling quite hungry lately. Maybe it's the cold, or perhaps my body is reacting to be trying to be more active. Desire. Let's take hunger to mean desire. I'm thinking also about nurturing. My days are punctuated with watering our edibles. We come so close to droughts at this time of the year, although it has been wet this week. Nurturing desires. Are they wants or needs? Can they be both? 

My imposter syndrome has been a prick lately. Oh think you can write a book and get it published and people will read it, do you? Sure you're nothing. No one's interested in what you have to say, and they certainly wouldn't buy a book you write. Now, here, that's not  true and I've evidence it's not true. But, yes, I see your point regardless of the evidence and what people tell me.

Flip sake.

Isn't weird that when we get external validation for something, some of us immediately start to self-sabotage it and try to make it be a mistake or not be true? Nightmare. The experiment I'm trying is to lean into it to see if I can use logic against it. Evidence, you see. Nothing I told the Arts Council was a lie. It was all in earnest, all true, and all validated with evidence. They were convinced, so why can't my inner critic suck it up? My peers in class are being hugely positive and using words to describe my work that are unexpected in the best of ways. 

I can do this.

Why is it so difficult to believe that?

Is my deepest hunger to write and publish the next book, or is it to simply believe that I can?

Ach sure, I'm reading interesting things and that takes my mind off it. I'm not so quick to compare myself to others. I still do, but then I remember that I'm that person for other people. How did *she* manage to do *that*? How did thon cut such a break when I can't get a foot in the door? I know people have asked those questions about me because on occasion they've done it to my face. We are quick to assume that others don't have it as bad as us when the truth is things are universally challenging for most. If we help each other, we share the wins. If we compete and any success depends on others losing, then we all lack progression. 

It's all so tiring, isn't it? My deepest hunger, I've realised, isn't fulfilling ambitions of being the best or acclaimed or renowned or any of that. I'm a muddler and I'm happy to just get there, to do the work, to produce something good enough, entertaining, insightful, interesting, thought-provoking, informative, and fun. I'm not here to produce work of intergalactic standing. I just want to make something.

developing my creative-critical non-fiction writing practice

 

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