The Writing Hour, 26 April 2022

With New Writing North climate change writer in residence Linda France.

Prompt 1: Spring is going full pelt.

I'm in the 'winter' part of my menstrual cycle, so it's tricky for me to feel that sentiment just this minute, but no doubt I will catch up to it in a few days. I'm in a limbo with where I'm at and how I feel about things, probably because my oestrogen has withdrawn and I'm aware something is missing. I had a last-minute cancellation this morning of a guest spot on a podcast. I'm not sure if my rescheduling on their site worked. Likely not as no notification has come through. I'm not bothered, though, because I can't be doing with these last minute drops when you've mentally prepared yourself to speak to a stranger. I used the time instead to jot some thoughts that I'll share in another post. 

I'm having serious words with myself lately about making excuses for not getting anything done. It is tough, yes, to get motivated when there's no money coming in for the labour. I may not be a capitalist, but our society is, and that's how that is. I can rail against it, but I need also to live. However, I also need to keep working on something or I'll just vegetate. 

I've been trying to take some advice given generally by life and career coaches to become clear on what values I hold, what I want to do, and what my boundaries are. Some small changes in how I conduct myself online and availing of automated services is already helping de-clutter and focus my mind. The hustle of finding paid work and of booking podcast guests (have I mentioned I make a podcast?) drains me of creative energy and it feels good to redirect some of that work and to find that there are days where I am unwilling to give my time even if it is technically available. The boundaries part is definitely the easiest to address. When jobs come up that I could apply for, I am asking: what is my motivation for allowing myself to imagine myself in this role? Is the job itself attractive, or is the relative financial freedom it would grant the true draw? Do I want to up sticks again and move for it? Am I willing to be put in an open-plan office again and risk more health issues from enforced, inflexible sensory overload? Would I have to push for an autism assessment to provide evidence of this as my 'sick letter' in the hope of reasonable adjustments being made, especially when I feel strongly that workplaces should just be accessible and conducive to a range of needs, end of? 

Then before addressing the question of my motivations in applying to a specific post, I go off on a reverie about what I would do if I could choose anything. I keep coming back to being a writer, supplemented by podcasting, making, and the odd live appearance or something else. In March I became a judge on a writing competition and enjoyed it so thoroughly that I've longed to do more since and I hope they invite me back. It felt so good to get paid and enjoy the work - what a revelation! And it meant I could address the digital storage issues I've been experiencing and that have caused more damage to my poor Frankensteinian laptop.

Prompt 2: If I didn't hold back...

Well, how fitting is this prompt? What could I be? What could I achieve? What is making me hold back? As I was working towards, I've become much firmer with myself when I complain about not being able to get anything done when the only thing stopping me is me. Yes, I have legitimate concerns about money and the future, but I've not only survived but thrived in this pandemic and all that hard work on my health has to count for something. I've been in dire straits before and right now things are well. Anxiety is fretting about what hasn't happened yet, so get on with things until it does, if it does. 

If I didn't hold back, if I wasn't smothered by fear, if I racked up heaps of failures, what if I could get closer to success? And what might that look like? The dream for me is happy employment, that is, paid work I enjoy and learn from and look forward to doing. It is also having the freedom to work on the writing methods and projects that interest me, and that hopefully work for people who read them. Can both of these things ever merge? How does anyone achieve such a thing? I'm not looking for big dosh, just a living, just being able to visit places and people, just being able to eat well and make choices that harm the planet less. I want whatever I do to be sustainable in all the ways. I don't want to burn out ever again. I want to be able to enable others to find their why and achieve their aspirations too. 

I want to carve out 4 hours in a day in which to write. They don't have to be in a block. They don't have to produce 'good' or 'final' words. Thinking about writing and doing research for writing counts. I have no reason why I can't create this time, and I won't put up with my excuses any longer. Firm words are being had with myself. Posting this will make me accountable. If I didn't hold back, I could knock out another book manuscript. I could embrace failure and see it as useful. I could stop internalising not getting short-listed and chosen for things as saying something about me. It says nothing about me, only that I had a go. And I must remember that even when I have been chosen for things, it often hasn't gone well. I encountered controlling behaviours, toxic environments, exploitation, loneliness, confusion and exhaustion. I need a healthier balance on when to be open, such as here on my own blog on my terms, and when to uphold boundaries, such as with new people, organisations, and opportunities which seem positive on the surface. 

It may seem like I'm blazing a trail with all this fire, but really I'm as clueless as ever about what I'm doing. I'm just more determined to get something happening and to put motions in place to facilitate that. I think I had a better idea of what I wanted at seventeen, and twenty years on I've had the confidence knocked out of me. I've decided to accept that that's perfectly normal and not be down on myself for it. Most of us are destined to muddle through, so muddling through is what I've decided to excel in.

Yorkshire Dales, 7 April 2016

 

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